Love in the Time of Apocalypse

“Happy Valentine’s Day, sweet heart.  I promise to love you until the end of time.”
But what if the end of time is just around the corner?  Unless you’ve been stuck somewhere completely out of touch with the rest of civilization, some where, like say, a language school in Nagoya Japan, you probably know that December 21, 2012 is supposed to be the end of the world.  So why bother to fall in love, if that’s all there is my friend?  Why promise “forever” when there is no forever?  What relevance do gifts of chocolate, candies and whispering sweet nothings have when the earth is about to explode?
Some people would say that the fast approach of the apocalypse is a bad thing for romance.  But I say it’s a once in a millennium chance to get it on like never before.
I mean, if you promise to love someone forever, you’re not gonna have to stick around long enough for it all to go bad are ya? Love fearlessly and fully!
So who’s talking all this doomsday trash?  Everybody in the prediction business apparently.  Here’s a short list:
The ancient Mayan calendar, supposedly more accurate than the European one states that the end of a 5,125 year time cycle will end on December 21, 2012,  marking the end of life on earth as we know it On top of that, the Hopi Native American Indians and the Hindu Indian Indians predict the end in their celestial calendars. (And they talk as if that’s a BAD thing?  Life on earth as we know it pretty much sucks for everyone I know. A cataclysmic change would do us all good.)
French Renaissance prophet Nostradamus who supposedly predicted the rise and fall of Napoleon and Hitler agrees it will rain fire and destruction on that day.  (Big deal, he’s French.  Have you ever heard them say anything positive about anything except wine and smelly old cheese?)
The Software program Web-bot run by two guys who call themselves “Time Monks” predicts the earth will reverse its magnetic poles on December 21, 2012 causing major cataclysms. (Two computer nerds calling themselves “Time Monks?”  I predict neither of them will go on a date or get laid again this year).
New Age guru Terrence Mckenna who took a psychedelic drug called DMT and saw a “Time Wave” that will end on that date. (“Yeah man, and while the world ends I can do tracers in the air with my hands”).
While not one of these crack pots is someone I would want to spend time talking to at a party, there ARE some very real signs that Armageddon is just around the corner:
Scientists have pointed out that an 11 year solar cycle begins this year when massive solar flares tend maybe possibly to happen which could destroy all microchips and communications on earth maybe perhaps.
Astronomers declared that something called a Great Galactic Alignment will actually happen in which our sun will be in the exact center of the milky way galaxy.
And the REALLY frightening real life occurrences pointing the way to global destruction are:
Recent countless natural disasters such as earthquakes, tsunamis, famine, drought.
The collapse of the world economic market.
AKB48.  There was never a more insidious tool of Satan and his great plan for the destruction of all human kind.  These cutsie soul-less little Kewpie dolls are EVERYWHERE.  There is no escaping them.  They are on every TV commercial, flooding Youtube, their posters are on the subways, in department stores.  I swear to God, I was in the men’s dressing room at a department store, trying on a new pair of under wear when I felt a cold chill, looked up and there pinned above the mirror I saw a full color spread of their grotesquely smiling faces checking out my goods.  Truly Night of the Living Dead in a high school uniform.
So what should we do, young lovers?  Give up on romance completely?  Give up Valentine’s Day as totally irrelevant and cover ourselves with sack cloth and mourning?  Wise up. boneheads, LOVE IS ALWAYS RELEVANT!
The great answer to death, destruction, fire and the futility of life has always been to find someone you care about and beef each others’ eyes out until you see the great cosmic truth in front of your eyes.  The message is in our movies, our music, our books, our TV sets.  MAKE LOVE AND LIVE!
What are earthquakes, tsunamis, fire and brimstone falling from the skies in comparison to a good orgasm?  (In fact a good orgasm feels like most of these happening at the same time, anyway.  We should rejoice and grab up that love stuff with both our sweaty little hands.  What is there to give us hope?  I can find five very strong arguments that will give power to my exhortation to young lovers to believe in the power of romance:
I remember as a kid the Jehovah’s Witnesses said the world would end.  Scared the crap out of me.  They sold all their stuff and stood on a mountain top waiting for Jesus.  IT DIDN”T Happen.  Remember the year 2,000 scare?  End of the world and all computers would fail wrecking havoc?  Remember last year the world was supposed to end on May 21 at exactly 6:00 PM?  Didn’t happen!  My favorite day is going to be December 22 2012 when all these guys are trying to convince us the world ended YESTERDAY.
I mean, if the world REALLY were going to end soon, what would you rather be doing in those last few minutes except bonking the consenting adult of your choice?  To bonk is to live, my brothers and sisters.
I got laid last night!!!   And believe me, if I can do it, so can you.  In your face, Apocalypse!
Chocolate!!!!!!!!!  No greater reason to live.
I was actually in Chiapas Mexico, the land of the Maya this last summer.  While looking at an ancient Mayan calendar (originator of all this nonsense) chiseled in stone that was lying among the ruins, I asked my very knowledgeable Mayan guide what he thought about his culture’s predictions about the end of the world in 2012 and if his people were doing anything to prepare themselves for the coming end of all time and space.  He stood there, struck a commanding pose, looked me straight in the eye and said, “Huh?”
May the end of the world find you all sharing the love.